Sunday, March 22, 2015

Is it worth it?

Fostering littles the way we do and saying goodbye when they are so young, no matter the amount of time they are here, the harsh reality is that they will not remember us.  They won't remember the middle of the night feedings, the first steps that we rejoiced over, the silly songs we sing to make them laugh, the books we read, the birthdays we celebrated.
They will hopefully remember their siblings, Maris, Kruse and Hope but they never even know our names.  We are mom and dad, we define those names for them: love, protection, provision, laughter, hugs, bedtime kisses, and hopefully, most of all, their Heavenly Father's love.  They have a piece of our hearts forever and a year from now will not remember us.  In a few weeks Mom will have a new face, a different laugh, same love in another form.  Dad will still be protector, provider and fun, but not the same.  Selfishly sometimes I wish they would remember their years in our home, that they would just have a small memory of the joy and laughter and love we shared.  But deep down I know this is the best way, that this is why we are here in this season, to form attachments and bonding that will give them the ability to love and be loved for the rest of their lives....but the pain of loss is still so real...the hurt of being unknown when they were so known by us.  Every goodbye leaves me asking is this worth it? Is this ache in our hearts, the tears and sorrow worth it?  The soberness that seeps into all of life, the protecting of our hearts outside of foster care.  Is it all worth it?  All I really know is He is worth it.  The One who formed me in my mothers womb, who made me love big, who all my life prepared me for this calling, He is worth it.  And so we prepare to walk this road, reading and re-reading the verses that He used to call us here, it's lonely and heavy and sometimes feels like more than we can bare but it's also good and right and beautiful and holy and the most sacred moments of my life.  And so, we will grieve and heal and we will say yes again because He is worth it....and so are they.

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