Exodus 20:24b says, "Build altars in the places where I remind you who I AM, and I will come and bless you there." Our son Kruse's middle name is an altar, Ikaika i ka Ho'omana which means "Strength to Worship". I am not sure why I feel compelled to write this tonight, if this is for someone who reads the blog or for myself, but for some reason I know that I am to write this tonight and if there is one thing I have learned through "the well box" it is that when God speaks I want to obey.
On June 25th 2002 I had an ultrasound for our second child whom I have named Maluhia Lani, "Heavenly Peace". We found out on that day that our baby preceded us to Heaven. I had had friends who had miscarried and always ached for them but never really understood the pain of losing a baby. There are no words to describe the loss...nothing. My heart was broken but just as He always does (if we let Him) God met me where I was and brought Shane and I to a place of truly understanding "worship".
"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the Name of the Lord."-Job1:21b
As we drove from the Doctor's office to the hospital for another ultrasound to make sure that there was indeed no heartbeat, we sat in silence but I could hear the words in my head "Here we are standing in Your presence worshipping You, worshipping You. You are greater than the ocean, You are bigger than the sky, You are stronger than the river, there's nobody else who loves me like You do...here we are"
This was a Tuesday, they could not get me in for a D & C until the following Monday...for 6 days I was a living tomb for my unborn child. I walked around, went to the grocery store, to work, and to church knowing that my child was in my womb...dead. My life was changed in two huge ways once at church and once at Safeway.
I stood in the checkout line like a zombie, knowing we needed groceries but wanting to be crying on the couch at home. I stood there and looked at those around me as if the world was in slow motion. God was with me in line. I remember glancing around and thinking they have no idea, they look at me and have know idea that death is literally inside of me. It was in that moment that I have never looked at anyone the same...God showed me at Safeway that I have no idea the pain behind a face. Does their dad have cancer, has her husband left her for another woman, has she been trying to have a baby for years, was she abused as a child, can he not walk away from an addiction, did his father die without them ever reconciling. When I see people now who are angry, I no longer am annoyed by their rudeness, I wonder what happened to you today? When I see someone with the hollow look I am sure was in my own eyes, I say a prayer for whatever hurt they are facing. There is a world of hurting people and they are all around us if we choose to see them and sometimes a smile and a silent prayer is all we can give.
Church was a tough one. No one knew I was pregnant and after losing the baby I did not want to say anything except to immediate family. So on Sunday morning I went to church with a plastic smile and stood to sing our first praise song, "I'm trading my sorrows, I'm trading my shame, I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord. I'm trading my sickness, I'm trading my pain..." Obviously God and Shane had met in the process of him working out his worship set and there I was starting to sing, when again the world moved to slow motion and tears filled my eyes and I stopped, unable to sing the words if I did not mean them. In that moment I knew a choice was to be made, am I going to praise the God who could have saved my child, who could have breathed life and stopped death. Can I stand here and truly worship with my hand on my womb. Can I say "Yes, Yes, Lord" to this? It was a moment in time that I knew I would never be the same, the beginning of a journey to the true meaning of worship that I would trade nothing for, not even a miracle. I would never have chosen to lose a baby, never wish it on anyone, yet at the same time would not trade the months of closeness with my Savior that the loss allowed. He surrounded me with Hope (thus the name of our daughter) in the midst of grief and gave me a compassion that I would never have understood otherwise and best of all He gave me a vision, of nail scarred hands holding a tiny, precious baby.
7 comments:
malia this is beautiful.
I've read and re-read your post and I just don't know how to comment. It is humbling and inspiring to see someone who has experienced devastation, turn to God. Thank you for your example!
My mind is always wandering too, thinking about what perfect strangers have experienced in their lives to make them who they are. Serving on the worship team a handful of times has touched me so deeply. Its been such a privelage--to look out and see the outstretched arms of those who I KNOW are carrying, or have carried, such tremendous burden and raw pain, yet they are worshipping. I become completely overwhelmed with emotion and am so proud of them...I can only imagine how our Heavenly Father feels when we come to Him and lay our burdens at His feet.
Sorry, one more thing...
The hymn "It Is Well With My Soul" is such a powerful song, and the story behind it makes it even moreso. In the late 1800's, Horatio Spafford had already suffered the loss of his son and then lost the majority of his wealth and earthly possessions in a fire. Not long after, his wife and four daughters were traveling on a ship to Europe (he was to follow a short time later). His family's ship collided with another out at sea and all four of his daughters drowned. On his way to meet his grieving wife, he wrote this hymn:
"When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea-billows roll,
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to know;
"It is well, it is well with my soul."
In the midst of such angst, he is worshipping. Precious!
Beth, that is one of my most favorite hymns because of knowing what he went through! It is truly a powerful statement of faith and trust in God and worshipping Him for WHO He is and not what He does or doesn't do for us. Thank you for sharing it.
Malia
you know I love everything you write, and this is no exception. I admire how you are able to share such deep and intimate moments with your readers knowing that in Gods perfect plan this too will be used to minister to someone. Thank you for sharing about your precious Maluhia Lani. I am blessed to have you for my friend.
Hi. I'm testing this before I send my comment since I don't really know how to send a comment. One of my many limitations...
Okay...I've never left a comment on a blog before, so this is a first.
Malia, you expose a vulnerable emotional vein, and I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your deepest pains. You're right, we all live with some degree of heartache and pain.
The first thought that grabbed me was about the word "altar". I guess for me, one of the altars in my life is cystic fibrosis. Everytime I go there..whether it's incidental or I'm forced to be there, it's always a difficult place. But truly God always meets me there..right where I am. (as you mentioned) He knows that I don't want to experience the pain of losing Taryn and Lauryn to CF, but He knows that I know that they are not mine. They are His girls, and everytime I go to that altar, I lay them down..like twin Isaacs...I lay them down, because they are not mine and I can't hang on to them, (as much as I want to) I have to give them up...everyday. And when I do that, all of a sudden the Peace (aka Jesus) rushes in and fills my soul. I find Joy (aka Jesus) in my sorrow and the heavy weight I carry is relieved.
There is no alternative for me. I have no choice but to trust the Jesus with the nail scarred hands, my Jesus who loves me more than I can imagine, with the lives of my children. It's a matter of trust. Do I or don't I? Will I or won't I? It's a choice, but with only one obvious answer for me.
No matter how I feel at any given moment, it really doesn't matter, because I can not NOT worship Him who is my God, my Creator, my Everything. I believe that worship is an act of love, it is a choice, and I've learned it has very little to do with how I feel. If I don't do it, the rocks will (and I sure don't want any rock worshipping God because I didn't. That would be bad.)
I have every reason in the world to worship God, and even when I feel like I don't, I know that God has blessed me beyond measure already in my tiny little life. And every day that I enjoy with my children and my husband is like the cherry...well, like a mountain of cherries on top of the eternal blessing I've already received.
When the girls were born, it took me 6 months to stop asking God why. I had so many "why" questions and I was stuck there for a while. I finally realized, it didn't matter why. It wasn't until I started asking God what we could do for Him with cystic fibrosis that I started experiencing His answers and He began to show us how we could make a difference and share His love and compassion with others. And that's really the true desire of my heart, and for my children as well.
If the presence of CF in our lives keeps us at the level of dependency and intimacy that God so desires from us, then so be it. He will bring about His perfect will through the imperfection of our lives.
But yes, there is Hope (aka Jesus) in my life. I experience that Hope-in-times-of-trouble every single day of my life now.
Years ago God gave me the passage from Romans 5:3-5 "...and not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perserverance, and perserverance proven character; and proven character, hope; and HOPE DOES NOT DISAPPOINT, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the holy spirit who was given to us."
As the new Casting Crown song says, "There is hope for every man" ...for the lady in line at Safeway carrying devastating news along side her groceries, for the parents who are afraid of losing their twins to a fatal disease, ...for all of us there is hope and it can be well with my soul.
Malia thank you again for sharing, you inspire me to continually focus on the world that's bigger than me and to help bring hope to a world that so desperately needs Him.
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